I always thought that I would like monkeys – they seem so happy, playful and cuddly. Who doesn’t remember watching Friends and thinking that -if forced to choose- you might date Ross but only because he owned Marcel the monkey. At one point in my life I spent hours googling to see if I could legally own a pet monkey in New York City. (You can’t.)
But after a visit to MacRitchie park in Singapore, monkeys have now been added to my list of ‘animals that, before this trip to Asia, I would have wanted to own and now I hate.’ Other animals on this list include:
- Goat – previously thought to be wonderful, organic means of cutting the grass, now feared due to their devil eyes and the hideous amount of shit pebbles they produce in one go.
- Chicken – previously thought to be a great hippie pet and source of eggs, now understood to be loud, filthy shit-peckers
- Potbelly pig – previously thought to be an adorable, clean house pet, now I don’t like their creepy wet snouts. (this one is debatable, I may still want to own a pig)
We headed to MacRitchie expecting, at best, to see some adorable little monkeys way up in the tree and instead came face to face with troupe of squabbling, lunch stealing, vicious little shits.
These evil beasts were everywhere: from the cafe, to the walking paths and the tree tops above our heads. You could not avoid them, and once you were in the park, you were stuck. Surrounded my naughty monkeys.
Not only did I witness a momma monkey swing down and attack a woman’s lunch bag, forcing this poor woman to jump out of her seat, shrieking, while her husband tried to engage the monkey in hand to hand combat; I also saw a monkey follow a man outside the park, run up his leg and try to grab whatever he was in his hand. The man’s high pitched squeals echoed in my ears for hours.
So take this advice: never buy a pet based on a Thursday night television sitcom. Also, I think I would still choose Ross – he eventually dumped the monkey and at least he had a few braincells to rub together.
This is a video of me freaking out over a monkey attack: