And now I hate Monkeys

I always thought that I would like monkeys – they seem so happy, playful and cuddly. Who doesn’t remember watching Friends and thinking that -if forced to choose- you might date Ross but only because he owned Marcel the monkey. At one point in my life I spent hours googling to see if I could legally own a pet monkey in New York City. (You can’t.)

Four little monkeys sitting in a tree

But after a visit to MacRitchie park in Singapore, monkeys have now been added to my list of ‘animals that, before this trip to Asia, I would have wanted to own and now I hate.’  Other animals on this list include:

  • Goat – previously thought to be wonderful, organic means of cutting the grass, now feared due to their devil eyes and the hideous amount of shit pebbles they produce in one go.
  • Chicken – previously thought to be a great hippie pet and source of eggs, now understood to be loud, filthy shit-peckers
  • Potbelly pig – previously thought to be an adorable, clean house pet, now I don’t like their creepy wet snouts. (this one is debatable, I may still want to own a pig)

We headed to MacRitchie expecting, at best, to see some adorable little monkeys way up in the tree and instead came face to face with troupe of squabbling, lunch stealing, vicious little shits.

Stolen McDonalds, sneaky monkey

These evil beasts were everywhere: from the cafe, to the walking paths and the tree tops above our heads. You could not avoid them, and once you were in the park, you were stuck.  Surrounded my naughty monkeys.

Not only did I witness a momma monkey swing down and attack a woman’s lunch bag, forcing this poor woman to jump out of her seat, shrieking, while her husband tried to engage the monkey in hand to hand combat; I also saw a monkey follow a man outside the park, run up his leg and try to grab whatever he was in his hand. The man’s high pitched squeals echoed in my ears for hours.

"NO! I will not move from your walking path"

So take this advice: never buy a pet based on a Thursday night television sitcom.  Also, I think I would still choose Ross – he eventually dumped the monkey and at least he had a few braincells to rub together.

This is a video of me freaking out over a monkey attack:

7 thoughts on “And now I hate Monkeys

  1. Monkey will do any thing they can get by with. You have to stand up, spread your arms out and growl at them. In Vietnam they would try to steal our food. We killed a few and put them on post around our firebase, and the troop left. They are smart enough to figure some things out. Several babies have been killed by apes and monkeys. Macaques carry a worldwide hepatitis infection of over 80% If a new leader takes over a troop, he kills all the infants so females go in heat and mate with him. If food or water is scarce, they run off and leave the infants behind. At first the babies try to keep up, but they tire faster, and end up expiring from dehydration or become prey. Monkeys are just a nasty waste of flesh.

      1. We hung the whole body. The farmers over there used to trap them, ram a sticker branch, kind of like a rose bush, up their butts and let them go. It’d take about 3 to 4 days for them to die. The throns pointed backward and when they tried to pull it out, they’d rip themselves up pretty bad. That’s how much the people that live with them hate them. They would also impale a live monkey to keep the troops away with it’s shreeking, but we saw that the others would come to see what the noise is all about. We’d shoot them if we found them this way.

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