As we’re getting ready for the last leg and potentially deadliest part of our trip (racing a rickshaw across India! Huzzah!) there are a few things that I want to reflect upon, notably how many incredible hangovers we have endured from the spectacularly awful alcohol found in Asia.
Top three worst drinks in Asia
Baiju – China’s moonshine smells of paint thinner and nail polish and derives it’s uniquely foul taste from added herbs like tiger bone, bat and ginseng. One shot is enough to make grown Irish men lose their lunch. Although you don’t see many Chinamen with facial hair, I’m sure if you took off their shirts you would find a furry beast. This shit puts hair on any chest.
Baiju is the communist drink of choice. When Chinese business men get together, the Baiju isn’t far behind. And you are obliigated to participate. This earns the top spot as the absolute worst alcohol in all of Asia. Guaranteed hangover.
Lao-lao –Lao’s famous whiskey doesn’t even have it’s own bottle or brand. This potent mixture is homemade so it could be 5 proof or 100 proof. For ultimate confusion Lao-Lao is stored in Beer Lao bottles, so be careful when taking a generous gulp from your open beer as it could very well be a fiery mouthful of clear hooch.
Lao-Lao is served at any hour of the day or night.
Rumor has it that you must take three drinks of Lao-Lao. The first is foul, the second is less bad and by the third you’re dancing with naked hill tribe people and fucking goats.
I’ve seen this happen.
Soju – Soju comes in a very distant third for worst alcohol in Asia. It’s not as potent as Baiju or as omnipotent as Lao-lao, but Koreans drink like dickheads. They are the world’s most efficient alcoholics. One minute you’re enjoying a simple beer, and the next minute you’re guzzling soju from the bottle, or roaming the streets of Busan with a plastic bag filled with soju slushy.
Korean’s don’t stop. They will drink until they pass out, even if that means sleeping on the street. And this is why soju is so bad. You drink it in excess, excessively.
Finally, an honorable mention, Mushroom Shakes – For obvious reasons, this can not be considered an alcoholic drink but it will make you sick as shit.
Drink too much and you’ll see skulls swimming out of the ocean (him). Drink too little and you won’t see anything but your stomach will cramp for hours and you’ll sit on the toilet praying to God that your bowels will rid you of those vile poisonous fungi (her).
Asia, it’s been real. Thanks for the memories, those of them that I managed to remember.